When you work from home, you go a little crazy. I’m a social person. I need conversation, something more than my mom calling to “see what’s up.” Nothing, Mom. Nothing is ever “up” when you work alone.

This is the life of a writer.

I find myself talking to my clothes about what I should wear. I ask my refrigerator the age of the leftovers. I apologize to the laundry basket for ignoring it.

I miss goofing around with former co-workers. (Note to former bosses: This “goofing around” occurred only during company-approved breaks.) I need water-cooler conversation. I need a buddy to recite lines from “The Colbert Report” and swap funny kid stories. I want a lunch buddy and a happy hour pal.

I’ve found a way to fondly recall those conversations. I read quotes online, and it’s almost like talking to a person. I sort the quotes into “Things You Would NEVER Hear in the Break Room” and “Things You MIGHT Hear in the Break Room.”

Here goes:

Things You Would NEVER Hear in the Break Room

• I have an expensive hobby: buying homes, redoing them, tearing them down and building them up the way they want to be built. – Sandra Bullock
• Wal-Mart … do they like make walls there? – Paris Hilton
• I can’t wait to get home and wash all those socks. – Julianne Moore.
• For me, prizes are nothing. My prize is my work. – Katharine Hepburn
• I don’t really think, I just walk. – Paris Hilton
• Love is not love without a violin-playing goat. – Julia Roberts
• Women’s Lib? Poor little things. They look so unhappy. Have you ever noticed how bitter their faces are? – Joan Crawford

 

Things You MIGHT Hear in the Break Room

• I like food. I like eating. And I don’t want to deprive myself of good food. Sarah Michelle Geller
• I will not retire while I’ve still got my legs and my make-up box. – Bette Davis.  Note: This statement comes from the co-worker who should have retired 10 years ago.
• I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne Barr
• I want good work. – Demi Moore
• I went back to work because someone had to pay for groceries. – Bette Davis
• The interesting thing about being a mother is everyone wants pets but no one but me cleans the kitty litter. – Meryl Streep
• Free is the best. Anything free is good. – Sandra Bullock
• I’m married, you know. I love my husband, and I have a child. – Tina Fey. Note: Doesn’t this sound like the new person’s first day?

There you have it: the secret to end unhealthy conversations with your laundry basket. Just invent friends. And as long as they’re inventions, why not make them famous?