Stockholm syndrome

If you’ve never suffered from an inferiority complex before, a short trip to Stockholm might be just the thing to bring one on. Mine starts in the arrivals hall of Arlanda airport. The walls are covered in photos of smiling Swedish celebrities welcoming us to their country. Neither I nor my boyfriend recognise any of them. He has bad eyesight and never recognises anyone, but I am an avid reader of Heat magazine, Hello! and Grazia and I simply don’t expect my celebrityspotting skills to be defeated in such a fashion.

I scan the walls for a recognisable face — Stefan Edberg, maybe, or Björn from Abba — but to no avail.

It gets worse. The taxi-driver who takes us to our hotel simply grins when I ask if he speaks English. “Of course,” he says, with a smile that hints he speaks seven other languages too. “You’re Irish? Dublin is a wonderful city. Did you see the snooker? Mark Allen beat Ronnie O’Sullivan!”

The taxi driver has to explain to us that Mark Allen is a 23-year-old snooker hotshot from Antrim. Not only do we not recognise Swedish celebrities, but Swedish taxi drivers know more about Irish ones than we do.

Feeling outdone by the Swedes is something you abruptly get used to. Not that I was totally unprepared: I was aware of their reputation as style gurus — this is the home of Ikea, after all. But household objects are one thing; you are unlikely to feel outflanked by a well-designed teapot. You might, however, find yourself feeling insecure while standing in a bar surrounded by people who are all a foot taller than you, dressed to kill in the latest designer get-up, devastatingly attractive and conversing in several different languages.

We try to console ourselves that all the glamour must be a front for shallow, unfulfilled lives, but the Stockholmers we meet have a ready smile, oodles of charm and brains to burn. Frankly, it all seems rather unfair.

Nowhere is this combination of effortless cool and winning charm more in evidence than at the ubertrendy Hotel Rival, our destination for the weekend. Part-owned by Benny Andersson from Abba, it is situated on a gorgeous leafy square in the fashionable Södermalm district. The seven-storey Thirties building houses a bar, a bistro, a café serving delicious home-baked cakes and a restored Art Deco cinema, as well as 99 bedrooms.

Our room — a spacious, sundrenched affair on the fifth floor with a balcony from which we can watch the locals playing boules in the park below — is designed for the type of person who can’t live without their laptop. It is equipped with a PlayStation, wireless, DVD player and a CD collection (inevitably, given its owner, Abba Gold takes pride of place).

Perched coyly on a stylish green leather tub chair is a cute teddy bear. It is the hotel you have always wanted to stay in. They have thought of everything: free DVDs, delicious free herbal teas and proper coffee from an espresso machine on the fourth floor, and a bathroom equipped with speakers, candles and underfloor heating.

It doesn’t take long for us to feel like buffoons once again. Within 10 minutes of our arrival, I have set my hair on fire on a bathroom candle. Later, we find ourselves outfoxed by the DVDs: having selected two foreign films from the list of arthouse moves, we are unable to watch them because they don’t have English subtitles.

You suspect that these catastrophes would never befall the chic, cheerful reception staff who no doubt would be happy to replace Amores Perros or Amelie from Montmartre with an English-speaking film, if only you weren’t too ashamed to ask because you’re fairly sure they speak 14 languages fluently and might not understand what the problem is.

Still, there’s one area where we’re confident we can hold our own: in the bar downstairs. The balcony outside is packed with after-work drinkers sipping local beers and glasses of rosé while enjoying the first of the summer sunshine. After a long dark winter — Stockholm has fewer than six hours of daylight in December — the inhabitants are eager to get out and enjoy themselves. Across the city, the endless cycle lanes that criss-cross the streets are jammed as locals race to one of their many parks or outdoor cafés to soak up the rays.

Built on 14 islands and linked by bridges, at times Stockholm seems like one long waterfront. A short bridge-hop from Hotel Rival is the old town, or Gamla Stan, a warren of narrow, cobbled streets dotted with sprawling townhouses, old churches — including the city’s 700- year-old cathedral — and the Royal Palace. The palace itself was largely built in the 18th century and the royal apartments house many priceless treasures, including, in the hall of state, a silver throne given to Queen Kristina in 1650 for her coronation.

The city’s other must-see site is the 17 th century Vasa warship, located in its own museum in Djurgarden, a sprawling parkland 10 minutes from the old town. Proving that the Swedes weren’t always so proficient in the design department, the ship sank minutes into its maiden voyage in 1628, seemingly because the shipwrights had miscalculated the amount of ballast required. The huge oak vessel lay beneath the waters for more than 300 years until it was raised, almost intact, from the seabed in 1961 and restored to its original glory.

The museum also features an interactive computer game which challenges you to outdo the shipbuilders by redesigning the hull. I keep trying until I feel confident that if I had been in charge, the Vasa would never have sunk. Of course, I might have set it on fire if there had been a candle around, but that’s a different story.

Heartened by our new-found shipbuilding skills, it’s time for lunch. Local cuisine includes reindeer and grouse, but Stockholm is also a fish-lover’s paradise. We sampled grilled perch, baked char, oysters, smoked salmon, salted cod, scallop carpaccio and crayfish mousse — at least half of that was in one meal at Sturehof, a 19thcentury seafood restaurant at the heart of the City district. Its outdoor terrace is crammed with chatty diners enjoying the food, the sun and each other’s company.

The Rival also has fish on the menu: in the bistro, char, fish casserole, crab and lobster vie for the diner’s attention alongside steak, ravioli, lamb and ham, all beautifully presented.

For the table with the best views, however, head to the marvellous Erik’s Gondolen, a restaurant built on stilts high above the water. After scaling 11 storeys in a tiny two-person lift, we are just in time to order a cocktail from the white-coated barmen before settling down to watch the sun, by now a burnished ochre disc, drop like a used penny behind the city skyline.

As the night wears on, queues for the nightclub on the boat moored beneath the restaurant snake down the street. It’s party-time again — another thing the Swedes are very, very good at. Back at the Rival, the bar-hopping crowd are swilling cocktails as the DJ spins records. There’s not an Abba tune in sight, but we’re not complaining.

All this hedonism comes at a price however: Stockholm is not cheap. A glass of house white and a beer in Sturehof, for instance, costs 146 Kroner (€13.70), while a 10-minute taxi ride set us back the equivalent of €30. Even when you’re used to Dublin prices, that’s expensive. But somehow the high prices seem fitting — it’s just one more thing that the Swedes are better at.

GETTING THERE

SAS flies from Dublin (01- 844 5440; www.flysas.com) to Stockholm’s Arlanda airport five times a week. Fares start at ¤78 per person one way.

STAYING THERE

The Hotel Rival (0046 854 578 900; www.hotelrival.se) is the perfect spot to explore Södermalm and Gamla Stan, and its cosy, chic atmosphere encapsulates all that’s best about the city. Rates start at ¤149 for a standard room or ¤214 for a deluxe room with balcony.

WHEN TO GO

During the summer months, when Stockholm has virtually round-the-clock sunlight, the parks are at their best and the city’s café culture, which gives Paris a run for its money, really comes into its own. FIVE GREAT THINGS TO DO IN STOCKHOLM

Take a boat trip. Stockholm is best seen from the water and there are countless types of tour, from viewing the royal canals or bridges to voyages further out into the archipelago. See www.stockholmsightseeing. com.

Take a dip. The waters surrounding Stockholm are extremely clean and, during the summer months, warm enough for a pleasant swim. Some of the best locations are listed at www.stockholmtown.net.

Explore the Djurdgarden, formerly the king’s hunting grounds, which houses several museums including the Vasamuseet. Stop for lunch in Rosendals Tradgarden, a Stockholm institution: think garden centre crossed with café complete with heavenly home-made cakes and you’re on the right track.

The annual midsummer celebrations at open-air museum Skansen include maypole dancing, games and outdoor concerts. The festival takes place on June 19, 20 and 21. Details are at www.skansen.se.

Check out the line-up at popular Stockholm music festival Popaganda, held at Eriksdalsbadet on August 28 and 29. Acts confirmed so far include MGMT, Camera Obscura and the Teenagers. See www.popaganda.se