How to Get Over a Bad Breakup

Breakups can be hard, some more so than others. A bad breakup can be very painful and elicit an intense emotional response, which can include feelings of rejection, betrayal, uncertainty about the future, and loss of control, says David Klemanski, PsyD, MPH, a psychologist at Yale Medicine. 

The emotions you experience and the intensity of your response can depend on several factors, such as how long you were with your partner, how serious the relationship was, and the circumstances of the breakup, among others.

What Is a Bad Breakup?

What exactly makes a bad breakup so bad? This can vary from one person to the next, depending on your situation and the relationship. It might involve:

• The end of a long-term committed relationship
• Child-custody disputes
• Legal disputes over shared assets
• Being blind-sided by an unexpected, out-of-the-blue breakup
• Infidelity
• Domestic abuse
• Changes in your friendships, living arrangements, or financial situation 
• A breakup that leads to regret or unresolved feelings

It's important to note that these aren't the only situations that constitute a bad breakup. No matter the cause, a bad breakup can lead to a range of negative effects, including changes in sleep, appetite, behaviors, and emotions.

Impact of a Bad Breakup

"Breakups can impact mental health in myriad ways, especially depending on how the breakup occurred," says Klemanski. Below are some of the effects of a bad breakup on your mental health.

Stress

Breakups, particularly if they’re unexpected, can cause a stress response due to a surge of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones send your body into fight-or-flight mode, which is a constant state of high alert, where your body is prepared to protect itself.

Grief and Depression

Breakups can also cause us to feel like we are grieving or depressed. This can be situational in the sense that it may occur for a few weeks, or it may last much longer and signify that a person is having a hard time adjusting to the breakup or possibly even developing depression.

Negative Emotions and Behaviors

The effects of a breakup will depend, of course, on the circumstances and one’s own individual reactions, but it can lead to unexpected and intense emotions that one is not used to experiencing or managing.

Some people might let those emotions guide their behavior. For instance, they may withdraw and isolate themselves from others, eat too much or too little when they feel sad, not sleep or sleep too much, or not keep up with work.

How to Get Over a Bad Breakup

Klemanski suggests some strategies to help you get over a bad breakup and move on:

Seek Support

Seek support from trusted friends and family, particularly those who have been through something similar. Social support can buffer some of the negative effects of a breakup. It can help reduce the time you spend alone, feeling miserable. Instead, you will be around others who can offer advice, perspective, or ways to cultivate or increase positive emotions amidst a sea of negative ones.

Reframe the Situation

Breakups can be painful, and it can be hard to imagine a future without that pain, but it can be helpful to recognize and acknowledge that you will eventually feel better. Reframing the situation to focus on what you learned from the relationship and how much better off you will be in the future can help shift your perspective.

Keep Your Distance

Maintain distance from your ex. Strategically give yourself and your ex some space from one another. This can look different for you depending on your situation, but it might involve changing your routines to avoid running into them, unfollowing them on social media, and removing their contact info from your phone.

Don’t Avoid Negative Emotions

While you don’t need to welcome negative emotions all of the time, you also shouldn’t avoid them all of the time. Suppressing emotions, whether it's anger, frustration, betrayal, grief, or sadness, can lead to physical stress on the body.

Allowing yourself to be present with your emotions, even for short bursts, can help you process them and work through them so that you can skillfully manage them, instead of letting the emotions manage you.

Thoughts and Behaviors to Avoid After a Bad Breakup

Klemanski also lists some negative behaviors and patterns to avoid on your journey of getting over a bad breakup:

• Self-blaming, or taking on the full burden of the breakup when that likely isn’t warranted
• Not asking for help from others for emotional support, to talk things through, or even to get some time away from your own thought processes
• Self-medicating with too much alcohol, medication, or drugs
• Isolating, withdrawing, or avoiding others
• Not taking care of yourself (e.g., not eating or eating too little, over- or under-prioritizing sleep, not performing basic self-care, etc.)
• Swearing off dating or maintaining an unhealthy perspective about future dating and relationship possibilities
• Not being open to learning about the experience

Takeaway

Going through a bad breakup can take a toll on your mental and physical health, leading to stress, anxiety, depression, grief, and negative emotions and behaviors.

It’s important to reach out to friends and family for advice and support as well as to process your emotions and learn from the experience. If you are not able to get over the loss of your relationship, you can reach out to a mental healthcare provider for help.